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A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...writes it down, Sophie."
Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"
The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"
Sidney thought a moment, and then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.
The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, “If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."
As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.
However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."
At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.
The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB." The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH." The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM." The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Paul, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Paul, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Paul was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Paul showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Paul announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
Any similarity between you and a human
is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that
far up my ass.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put
it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that
had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
Oxymorons
A little big
Academic sorority
Accordion music
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aerobic exercise
Affirmative action, equal opportunity
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Automated data processing
Back to the future
Bad health
Balding hair
Bankrupt millionaire
Better than new
Black light
Boring orgasm
Brave politician
Budget deficit
Bug free code
Business ethics
Butthead
Cafeteria food
California expressway
Casual intimacy
Cat proof
Central Intelligence Agency
Centrally-planned economy
Cheerful pessimist
Childproof
Christian education
Civil war
Classic rock & roll
Clean dirt
Clean hack
Clearly confused
Clearly misunderstood
Clinton leadership
Collective liberty
College algebra
College education
Colored music
Committee schedule
Committee decision
Common sense
Communist Party
Completely unfinished
Compulsory volunteering
Computer science
Computer jock
Computer security
Congressional ethics
Congressional oversight
Conservative Democrat
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Construction worker
Convenience store
Cooperative multitasking
Corporate planning
Cost effective
Country music
Courtesy towing
Creation science
Curved line
Customer satisfaction
Debugged program
Debutante ball
Decent lawyer
Definite maybe
Degradable plastic
Democratic Congress
Dining hall food
Disco music
Down escalator/elevator
Dress pants
Driving pleasure
Dry beer
Dry ice
Dry wine
Economic reform
Electroshock therapy
English syntax
Enquiring minds
Environmentalist bumper sticker
Ergonomic keyboard
Evolutionary fact
Exact estimate
Executive decision
Express bus
Express mail
Fair reporting
Fair trial
Fallout shelter
Family entertainment
Fast food
Federal budget
Fighting for peace
Final version
First annual
First-strike defense
Flat-busted
Flexible freeze
Football scholarship
Found missing
Free election
Free electron laser
Free love
Freezer burn
Fresh frozen
Friendly advice
Friendly competitor
Friendly fire
Full-length bikini
Full service
Functional manager
Funny clean joke
Fuzzy logic
Gay drill sergeant
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Good mother-in-law
Government aid/assistance
Government efficiency
Government organization
Graduate student
Guest host
Gunboat diplomacy
Half dead
Happily married
Hard disk
Hard water
Hazardous waste disposal
Helicopter flight
Higher education
Holy Roman Empire
Holy War
Honest crook
Honest politician
House Ethics Committee
Huge market niche
Human evolution
Indecent exposure
Industrial park
Institutional Revolutionary Party
Intelligent life forms
Internal Revenue Service
IBM compatible
Journalistic accuracy
Journalistic integrity
Jumbo shrimp
Just in Time (JIT)
Lace-up loafers
Legal brief
Legal ethics
Legally drunk
Liberal, Kansas
Liquid crystal
Literal interpretation
Living dead
Long Island Expressway
Male compassion
Management science
Management support
Management action
Management style
Marketing strategy
Married life
Martial law
Math teacher
Mature student
McDonalds dinner
Medicaid payment
Medical ethics
Microsoft Works
Middle East peace process
Military intelligence
Military justice
Military peace
Modified final judgment
Monopoly
Moral Majority
Mutual attraction
Mutually exclusive
New Classic
New Democrat
New Mexico
Nice cat
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-denominational church
Nonworking mother
Now, then
Nuclear defense
Objective parent
Oddly appropriate Operating system
Operation Rescue
Pacific Ocean
Paperless office
Partly pregnant
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace officer
PeaceMaker missile
Personal computer
Petty cash
Philosophy science
Plastic glasses
Pocket calculator
Police protection
Polite cabbie
Political leadership
Political science
Politically correct
Poor Republican
Pop art
Postal Service
Pot luck
Practical logic
Precision bombing
Presidential promises
Pretty ugly
Private e-mail
Productivity committee
Professional courtesy
Progressive Conservative
Proprietary standard
Psychiatric care
Public school education
Quality assurance
Quality service
Quebec intellectual
QuickBasic
Quick fix
Quick reboot
Rap music
Rapid transit
Rare steak
Real fantasy
Realistic schedule
Real-time computing
Reasonable female
Recently new
Reckless caution
Red Indians
Relativistic correction
Religious education
Religious fact
Religious tolerance
Religious science
Republican initiative
Resident alien
Responsible committee
Restrained grandparent
Rolling stop
Rush hour
Russian economy
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Satisfied Democrat
Saving price
Savings & loan
School food
Scottish Danish (actual pastry sold at 7-11)
Sedate sex
Semi truck
Semi-boneless ham
Senate Ethics Committee
Sensitive male
Severely/slightly killed
Silent scream
Small crowd
Smart bomb
Smart drugs
Social Security
Social science
Soft rock
Software documentation
Software engineering
Solid glass
Southern justice
Spare rib
Speed limit
Sports sedan
Stealth bomber
Straight hook
Student athlete
Student teacher
Summer school
Supporting documentation
Sweet sorrow Swiss Steak
Synthetic natural gas
Tame cat
Taped live
Tax return
Television critic
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
Terminal initialization
Tight slacks
Tone color
True gossip
True story
Unbiased journalism
Unbiased news reports
Unbiased opinion
Unbiased predisposition
Uncontested divorce
Understanding banker
Understanding UNIX
Union workers
War hero
Wilderness management
Wonder Bread
Woods Metal
Working vacation
Young Floridian
Yummy sushi
10K fun run
12-ounce pound cake
GOOGTOOT