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Sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.



Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same
time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."



Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.



Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.



Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.



Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.



Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.



Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
yellow traffic light?
A: The color.



Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.



Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.



Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
 

Actual statements from corporate managers

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"

"Email is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."

"Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people."

"This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."

Internet Bumper Stickers

This web site is S.A.R.S Free. No face mask required!

I don't get mad... I get stabby!

DON'T MAKE ME USE UPPERCASE!

Well, TODAY was a total waste of makeup.

Last one out of the chat room, please turn off the lights.

Not tonight dear, I have DSL.

If all else fails, stop using all else.

My mom went to cyberspace, and all I got was this internet bumper sticker.

You are, like, SO off my buddy list!

PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

NOTICE: You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.



I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.



I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.



I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.



I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.



I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.



If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.



I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.



I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the
first word, when I get around to it.



I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

Recipe for Miracles

Ingredients

1 part of knowing who you are

1 part of knowing who you aren't

1 part of knowing what you want

1 part of knowing who you wish to be

1 part of knowing what you already have

1 part of choosing wisely from what you have

1 part of loving and thanking for ALL you have


Instructions Combine ingredients together gently and carefully, using faith and vision. Mix together with strong belief of the outcome until finely blended.

Use thoughts, words and actions for best results.

Bake until Blessed. Give thanks again

Yield: Unlimited servings

Can You Remember

Tinker toys

Erector Sets

The Fort Apache Play Set

Lincoln Logs

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards..........with that awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny candy

35 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?

Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?

A foot of snow was a dream come true?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

Children's Letters to God

God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?


Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

Who draws the lines around the countries?

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

What does it mean you are a Jealous God? I thought you had everything.

Did you really mean "Do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me. . .

It's more fun to color outside the lines.

If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

Ask why until you understand.

Hang on tight.

Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except
poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

Make up the rules as you go along.

It doesn't matter who started it.

Ask for sprinkles.

If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

Save a place in line for your friends.

Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

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