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A man was sitting alone in his office one
night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your
third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish
when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for
me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus,
you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any
wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were
irresistible to women."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That
was your first wish, too!"
A blackjack dealer and a player with a
thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate
to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with
it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.
Two hunters were dragging their dead
deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that
it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers
won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was
right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.
Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with
a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just
the same as they did the year before.
When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot,
"We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"
The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the
weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."
Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly
this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.
The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them
and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to
sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.
Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you
have any idea where we are?"
Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where
we crashed last year."
Two hunters went moose hunting every
winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to
hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the
bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began
to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came
crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and
get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The
zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd
better brace yourself."
Three guys are out hunting and
sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on
scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell,
breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was
hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up
in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his
worst experience.
He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to
me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a
tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."
"Yeah? What happened next?" Asks his friend.
"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut
on my testicles."
One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the
world was the worst?"
He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . ."
Two men went bear hunting. While one
stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear
charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as
fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with
every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You
skin this one while I go and get another one!"
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
The doctor because he says, "Take
off your clothes"
The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"
The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love
it!"
The banker because he says,” If you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest"
The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
The mailman because he always delivers his package.
The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always
eats what he shoots.
GOOGTOOT